Sin Shitty: An Interview With The Creators of Hollywood Hellmouth

You're reading Books, Beer and BLOGshit! It's the only blog that uses both sides of the toilet paper when it wipes! I am your crappy blog host, Mr. Frank.

The BLOGshit has been dormant for awhile. What better way to revive it once more than with a four-way interview? The BLOGshit is taking Armand Rosamilia, Jack Wallan, Brent Abell and Jay Wilburn to task. They've collaborated on a weird horror piece called HOLLYWOOD HELLMOUTH. 

The BLOGshit has gotten a sneak peek at the book and we think they have some explaining to do. We could tell you that HOLLYWOOD HELLMOUTH is a story of broken Hollywood dreams. We could tell you it's filled with a menagerie of grotesque and odd monstrosities. We might even spoil it a tad and tell you a Velvet Elvis figures into the whole shebang.

But instead, we figured we'd get the dimented creators to do it themselves. They are the responsible parties, let them get arrested for the insanity that is... HOLLYWOOD HELLMOUTH.

Shall we?

The BLOGshit: You are all notably zombie writers, what brought you all together for this project? 

Brent Abell: Greed, I mean the desire to work with Armand again. I've worked with him on 

a couple of projects and have had a really great time doing so. I've been in a few anthologies with 

Jay and we run around in the same twisted circles, but our paths had never crossed until the first 

Imaginarium con in Louisville last year. It was at the same con I met Jack for the first time and 

the four of us hung out and discussed doing the same thing at MidSouthCon and Imaginarium 

again this year. Then the conversation started about a project together... 

Jack Wallen: I blame the booze. Oh wait, I don’t drink. Okay, I blame the rest of the guys 

getting face-planting drunk, tying me down, and insisting I play along – else they’ll tell my wife 

bad, bad things. Actually, it seemed to be the logical thing. We were all planning out our 

domination of MidSouthCon when someone had the brilliant idea of round-robining a novella. 

There was no hemming or hawing – we all immediately agreed it was the thing to do.

Jay Wilburn: Armand is the lynchpin of our group. He is the center of our literary universe. 

He has the most gravity as measured by the laws of physics and spiritually. We were all at 

Imaginarium Con in Louisville and our collective work there as guests got us invited as guests to 

MidSouth Con in Memphis in March. We decided to put something special together for that 

appearance.

Armand Rosamilia: I felt really sorry the other three guys aren’t as rich and famous as me. 

I remembered being a nobody (but always sexy and good-looking, luckily) so I threw them a 

literal and literary bone and enriched their lives, such as they are. Plus, I love two out of three of 

them. 

 

The BLOGshit: Where did the idea for Hollywood Hellmouth come from? Is anyone willing to take 

responsibility? 

Jack: I said “I’ve always wanted to write a B-Horror kind of novel” and we took it from 

there. Of course, by B-Horror I didn’t think it would get so wonderfully odd. Am I glad it did? 

You betcha. There’s no way we could have written this piece as individuals.

Brent: It was supposed to be an ode to the B-movies we love, but honestly... I'm not sure 

what we did.  It began innocently enough as a book we could write and have it for the cons we 

were attending together in 2015. When the talks about sharing tables at the cons came up, I 

brought up our idea of doing a book together and the whole mess began. 

Armand: I will take full credit for the idea. Honestly, I wrote 99% of the book, too. Or 

maybe not. Who can say? I think jay Wilburn caqme up with the idea initially and we all took it 

up and ran with it. If this bombs I can distance myself from it but if it is gold I can say it was my 

Midas touch. Win/win for me. 

Jay: Armand first suggested we collaborate on something for MidSouth. Bad ideas tend to 

start with him. Brent remembered it just before the New Year and got the discussion going again. 

He usually keeps bad ideas going. We threw around a few story ideas, but it was Jack’s “B-

Movie Horror” starter that gave birth to what would be HOLLYWOOD HELLMOUTH. I was 

supposed to be the voice of reason, but failed miserably.

 

The BLOGshit: What was the inspiration for the Velvet Elvis character? 

Jay: I think Velvet Elvis first came up in one of my rounds. Back then, he was just a picture 

of the King with a little wiggle in his frame. Growing up in the South through the 70’s and 80’s, 

velvet Elvis portraits were a staple in white trash homes and every roadside vendor. There used 

to be a lot more roadside vendors before you could get Velvet Elvis’s online. That’s what’s 

wrong with America these days: not enough velvet or Elvis in our lives anymore.

Armand: I really have no idea. By the time I came in these clowns had already desecrated 

The King and forced me to keep it going. I am still disgusted how easily they can tear down our 

idols and the fabric of our society. 

Jack: Doesn’t every novel have a Velvet Elvis character? I thought it was required for all 

novels? Honestly, every bit of madness to enter this novel just happened – there was no 

inspiration. 

Brent: This is one I'm not taking credit for. When the next round was taking place and the 

manuscript came back to me, it was there and it just got worse from there for the Velvet 

Elvis. MidSouthCon (where the book is debuting) is in Memphis, so having Elvis in the book 

was a natural fit. His estate might disagree and we might not be allowed in Graceland, but it 

worked for us.

 

The BLOGshit: What was the collaborative process like for Hollywood Hellmouth? Where there any 

positives working with so many other writers? What type of obstacles did you have? 

Armand: I loved not discussing anything happening as we went along. You simply got the 

book back after the other three guys had written their chapters and had to keep the story 

going. And top what came before, which was the ultimate challenge. 

Jay: I think it was net positive for all of us. It moved fast and demanded creativity out of 

each of us. Looking back, I think it was guaranteed that what we created together was going to 

be something wild. As an individual in the group, you couldn’t hold too tightly to your own 

concept of what the story was nor where it was going. You had to be willing to take the other 

authors’ visions and move the action with what they gave. Each author had to be conscious of 

handing off the baton in mid run. I think it became something different than any one of us would 

have created and it allowed us to be different than our usual styles.

Brent: We didn't discuss the plot or anything before hand. The first person wrote their piece 

and we passed it around until Armand ended it with the epilogue. There were no plans for it and 

as we received the manuscript, we had no idea what the three people did to the story before we 

got it back. It was fun to see how each person brought something different and unique to the 

story. It's also pretty positive to finish a book and only had to write a quarter of it. The only 

obstacle was figuring out how to top the previous chapters when it was your turn again. I admit, I 

had trouble writing a story like this, I'd never done one in a horror/comedy kind of way, but once 

I felt more comfortable with it, it flowed easier.  

Jack: It was a pure joy. Part of the fun was writing a chapter in such a way just to see what 

the next man up would do with it. Turns out, when you unleash the imaginations of four twisted 

writers, all hell will in fact break loose. Honestly, there were no obstacles... there were only 

pulses. Four unique voices working on a single story and taking in places not one of us would 

have thought to imagine individually. How could there possibly be hurdles with that? 

 

The BLOGshit: Can any of you see yourselves collaborating on further projects? 

Brent: Oh yeah. Working with the other three was a blast and we've become pretty good 

friends. I can see this happening from time to time when we get bored or when Armand needs a 

hug. 

Jack: Well, we’ve planned this out as a trilogy, so we’ll definitely venture back into 

Solomon’s world at least two more times. Outside of that? Who knows. The other guys are really 

great to work with and I felt honored (and just a little dirty) working with them … so I certainly 

wouldn’t be averse to further collaborations.

Jay: Absolutely. Jack has already cooked up a cool zombie thing that is pulling in a number 

of other authors too. HOLLYWOOD HELLMOUTH itself is shaping up to be the first in a 

trilogy of books. We are already looking ahead at another joint convention appearance that 

should correspond chronologically with a release of the third book.

Armand: I’ll definitely work with the three of them again and hopefully not only on 

finishing this trilogy. It’s funny, because individually I hate all three with a passion, but the four 

of us together… magic. 

 

The BLOGshit: How likely are you to dabble in this kind of crazy horror again? 

Jack: I’ll do it again, for sure. I had a lot of fun with it. I’ve always wanted to push myself 

to see just how far I can twist and bend a story like this. The piece I’m doing now is sort of along 

the same lines … minus the poo (the book isn’t finished yet, so there’s still time).

Brent: My wife denies knowing me after reading the book, but I'll live and will dabble in 

the sub-genre again. It was fun to take a break from the normal stuff and cut loose with the other 

three guys on such a crazy book. I like crazy... 

Armand: Oh, definitely. It was even more fun than I thought it would be. I skirt the line 

often in my work but this was on the other side and I liked it. A lot. Maybe too much. 

Jay: It is almost guaranteed at this point. I got a lot from this personally. Having four people 

involved in the process of putting together and putting out a book has been great. This seems to 

be the direction the four of us working together leads. Horror and humor may be our collective 

voice.

 

The BLOGshit: Who amongst you is the craziest? 

Jay: It may have to be Armand by default. He’s settling down more now though. I mean, I 

haven’t killed and disposed of a body in months and Armand was around for that too. Jack 

and Brent lead pretty responsible lives. Armand still hangs out with midget porn stars and he 

lives in Florida. You know what that place is like.

Armand: Honestly, the only reason I did this project was because the three of them are more 

than likely to eventually end up in a bell tower with a high-powered rifle shooting at hookers, 

and I want them to think I was always in their corner. So they don’t shoot the hookers I will 

eventually kill and bury on me own. 

Jack: Good gravy, that’s like asking which of the cat family is the most adorable or which 

politician can you trust the least! I might have to say Armand, otherwise he’ll beat me up. 

Brent: All of us. Someone trying to get us to choose the craziest opens the door to all sorts 

of weird stuff better left unsaid and behind closed doors. 

 

The BLOGshit: Who amongst you is most likely to get scared and run away? 

Armand: Either Jack or Jay. They aren’t exactly manly dudes. Nothing personal. And Brent 

and I seem way too lazy to run. 

Jay: I want to say Brent, but for all our lack of exercise, we are all pretty much scared 

runners. I used to say I’d only run if someone was chasing me, but I wouldn’t even run then. 

That has more to do with laziness than courage though.

Brent: Jay, hands down. Or Jack. When you look at Armand and myself, it's obvious we 

don't run at all. 

Jack: Brent. He carries a blanket around and sucks his thumb. But Jay does have that “look” 

in his eyes, like any moment he’ll bolt. If I tossed a bag of M&Ms off a cliff, Armand would 

dash off.

The BLOGshit: How did you develop some of the off-the-wall creatures found in Hollywood 

Hellmouth? 

Brent: I think most of it stemmed from the desire to be as crazy and disgusting as 

possible. Stuff like that happens when you mix Hollywood, Hell, and demons. There were also 

times where we would discuss stuff on-line and some of the creatures ended up in the story (like 

Hollywood stars of various heights). The rest was everybody trying to top the others in the gross 

monster game. 

Jack: It’s all about height. And bringing things to life that wouldn’t normally be, like a 

toilet. Annnnd … we’re back to poo. This book really was all about the unexpected and what 

could the unexpected do and be to help push a plot forward. Nothing was off limits – not even 

The King himself. At some point, at least for me, it became about figuring out what people in 

real life would be funny at a particular height – or bringing old television crushes back to life in a 

deadly way.

Jay: These were byproducts of the collaboration. Solomon, the narrator, became flawed and 

unreliable pretty early, so that opened the world up a lot. The quirky insanity developed from one 

author introducing a character or scene and another author running with it into something more. 

Jack likes to kill and hurt things, so that created some interesting development with the story and 

characters.

Armand: Most of it was pretty natural. In a couple of my chapters I got to introduce what I 

thought would be a minor character, only to see them become an intricate part of the plot my 

next time around, while other characters I thought were going to be big got left behind. It was 

fun trying to keep up with everyone else and see what twisted things we could do. 

 

The BLOGshit: What are the chances we can expect a sequel? 

Jack: Like The Matrix, this will be a trilogy. Why a trilogy? Because things are funny in 

threes. The law of comedy.

Brent: It's Hollywood, so you'll either get a sequel or a reboot!

Armand: There is no chance we’ll see another word of this crap… unless it sells and we 

make a ton of cash. And then the trilogy will become eight to ten books and a line of action 

figures. 

Jay: Oh, we’re talking 99% sure. We are in double dose of Measles vaccine sure. We’re 

talking condom with a birth control pill combo numbers. I’m as sure as Armand dragging us to a 

White Castle is sure.

So, there they are. The four responsible parties for HOLLYWOOD HELLMOUTH. That interview is every indication of the type of humor that gets pumped into this twisted tale. This is not the next great American novel, nor is anyone expecting it to be. But, just like a lady of the night, you can be sure to  take this one home and have yourself a good time for a few hours. Reading HOLLYWOOD HELLMOUTH is a victimless crime.

HOLLYWOOD HELLMOUTH will be available everywhere on Friday. March 13th (get it?) and if you are attending MidSouth Con on March 20th, be sure to hunt down Jack, Jay, Armand and Brent and get them to sign your copy in person!  Just watch what type of ink they use. Eww!

Jack Wallen

Jay Wilburn

Brent Abell

Armand Rosamilia

You, Me and McNee

You're reading Books, Beer and Blogshit! It's the only blog on the internet that attempts to understand what Scottish people are actually saying! I am your blog host, Mr. Frank! 

We put out an open call for interviews on The BLOGshit's Twitter (it's still open in fact.) The legendary Scottish author, John McNee, was the first to take up the call. John McNee first came on our radar when we became aquainted with Rooster Republic Press. John has appeared in several of their Tall Tales With Short Cocks volumes. He also has a full length book published through Rooster Republic, which is cited as one of the publishers personal favorites, GRUNGE PUNK.

We've also found that in addition to the odd style John McNee uses in GRUNGE PUNK, he also loves to write some splattery horror fare. And his horror stories are no joke. His short stories have appeared along side of the likes of Wrath James White, Shawn McKenzie, Brian Lumley and Joe Lansdale just to name a few. 

So lets jump into the mind of a man who writes from all the way across the pond, in the wilds of Scotland. When you're done with this entertaining interview, be sure to check out his links and pick up some of this prolific authors work!

The Blogshit: Welcome John McNee to Books, Beer and Blogshit. Can you give us a feel for what sort of genre your writing fits into?

John McNee: Mostly I write horror. A lot of my stories end up filed under 'extreme horror' (just because there's a little blood) but then there are the Grudgehaven stories which are a little more difficult to pigeon-hole. They were printed under a bizarro label and marketed as bizarro, but I've had too many people tell me it's not bizarro to continue claiming them as such. It's noir and horror and steampunk and dieselpunk and fantasy and sci-fi and new weird, but it's not bizarro (which apparently has all these traits and defining characteristics I didn't know about). I've just about come to terms with that now. For a little while I thought I was a bizarro author, but it turns out I'm just a 'grudgepunk' author. But one of the reasons I settled on that title is because the stories don't really sit comfortably in any one genre, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.

The Blogshit: Your book, GRUDGE PUNK, has been published by our friends at Rooster Republic Press. We've noticed however that the majority of your published work is short stories published through various anthologies. Do you prefer the short story format over longer form work?

John McNee: I prefer whichever works best for the story concerned. I believe the vast majority of stories can be told in 5,000 words or less. I also believe a writer hones their craft by writing in short form. Too many authors, I think, leap straight into novels and damage their own stories by trying to stretch them to fill 300 pages. Particularly in horror, where brevity is especially effective, and bizarro, which can quickly wear out its welcome in 10 pages never mind a hundred, the best way to tell your story is as briefly as possible. There are stories that are too big to be told in 5,000, 10,000 or even 50,000 words, but I think they're the exception and an author shouldn't try to push it.

The Blogshit: You've managed to get into quite a roster of anthologies. The likes of Wrath James White, Shane McKenzie, Joe McKinney and Brian Lumley just to name a few, have shared the pages with you. How have you managed to work with some big names in writing?

John McNee: 90 per cent chance, 10 per cent design. I was very lucky in that the first story I ever had printed (not the first I submitted, by a long shot, but the first accepted) was for 'Ruthless', edited by Shane McKenzie, right before he started becoming “the next big thing”. I try to work with the same editors and publishers as much as possible, so when he put out a call for his next anthology, 'A Hacked-up Holiday Massacre', I submitted again, got accepted and – because he'd been making connections all over the place – got to see my name in the TOC with Joe Lansdale, Nate Southard, Bentley Little, etc. So I was able to ride on his coattails just a little before he gave up editing to focus on his own writing, but it's been a similar situation with Blood Bound Books, who I've got a good track record with. When I first submitted (to 'D.O.A.') they were just starting out, but they've grown to attract much bigger names. And because I keep submitting to them – and they've been nice enough to invite me to submit for things like 'Blood Rites' - I've been able to capitalise a little on their success. So it is luck, but I think there's also a lesson in all that about loyalty, or at least the importance of trying to foster good professional relationships with publishers.

The Blogshit: You're from Scotland. How are we Americans supposed to understand anything you write?

John McNee: If I'm even halfway good at my job, you shouldn't even be able to tell. I'm not Irvine Welsh. I don't have much of a Scottish 'voice' in my writing. And I try to make it as accessible as possible. I use correct punctuation and quotation marks and all that, I don't try to break the rules of sentence structure. I even format everything I write into the US spelling BEFORE I send it to a publisher (another top tip). 'Grudge Punk' is heavily stylised in the vein of 40's American Noir anyway, which is a kind of language I'm very familiar with, so I don't think it's an issue. Going forward, I would like to write a few more horror stories set in Scotland or featuring Scottish characters, because I realise it's a region that doesn't get much of a look-in in the genre and I could be cornering that market. But the Scottish accent is a very, VERY difficult one to put on the page, so it could be a struggle.

The Blogshit: Is it tough to play in American publishing markets from all the way across the pond?

John McNee: In terms of the work itself, for the most part, it's fine. Everything's done over email and Paypal these days anyway, and publishers are used to getting submissions from all over the world. But I don't get to meet anyone face-to-face. I don't get to mingle with other writers (except Chris Kelso) or pitch projects to publishers over cocktails or drunkenly hit on cosplayers from behind the Rooster Republic stall at Texas Frightmare. So that sucks. And promotion is difficult, because there's no real opportunity to do readings or signings. The only tool I have is the internet, and while I recognise it's a fantastic tool, I still haven't quite figured out how to get the most out of it.

The Blogshit: What country/region do you find most of your reader base is coming from?

John McNee: It seems to be pretty limited to America, which I'm certainly not going to complain about. I love America. I would like to have a few more readers in Scotland, but we always seem to be a few years behind the curve over here. Most readers are still very suspicious of anything that isn't mainstream publishing. Small press or self-published gets written off as vanity press and what little underground there is is so far underground that even I can't find it, so connecting with an audience here is very difficult. Maybe when I remake myself as a SCOTTISH writer, writing SCOTTISH books about SCOTTISH people for SCOTTISH readers, a few libraries will finally agree to put me on their shelves (in the 'Scottish Authors' section), but it's a bit of a gamble.

The Blogshit: Are you currently working on anything longer form or will you be sticking to short stories for the future?

John McNee: I have written a horror novel and signed a contract on that, but I don't know yet when it'll be released. Right now I'm working on a sequel to 'Grudge Punk' which will take the form of a full-blown novel. It feels quite epic in scope, but I don't particularly like long books, so I'm constantly self-editing, trying to cut out all the extraneous crap like character development and descriptive prose (no-one cares about that, do they?) and stream-line it as far as possible, so it'll be a lean, lithe epic. I don't know what's coming up after that. I have a few other ideas for novellas/novels, but I would like to return to short stories for a while.

The Blogshit: What sort of shaving razor do you prefer to use?

John McNee: Excellent question. I hate shaving and try to do it as infrequently as possible, but when I do, I prefer a straight razor. I've tried a lot of fancy modern razors over the years and found them all very disappointing. There's a reason the straight razor endures – it's high risk, high reward. You will get the best, closest shave you can possibly get in your own home. But if you cut yourself, you really cut yourself.

The Blogshit: If we were to produce "The John McNee" sandwich in a sandwich shop, what would we have to put on it?

John McNee: I've asked myself this question many, many times. I take sandwich art very seriously and have even run Facebook masterclasses on the correct preparation of specialist sandwiches such as the 'Christmas Leftover' sandwich and 'Shooter' sandwich, so I believe I know a thing or two. And if I wanted to I could probably run off a list of fancy ingredients to try and make “The John McNee” sound refined and sophisticated, or pack it with local Scottish produce to reflect my heritage, but would I actually eat either of those sandwiches? Probably not. So I would humbly submit, for a sandwich that best represents me, a sandwich that I invented at 2am using what little I had in the fridge – peanut-butter, layered turkey, salt and vinegar crisps (potato chips) and processed cheese on lightly toasted white bread. Like my writing, it might sound a little off-putting, a little unrefined, and it fuses various elements that shouldn't work... but it does work. And, like me, it's much more agreeable after a few drinks.

The Blogshit: Can you understand what those guys from The Proclaimers are saying?

John McNee: Of course. Can't everyone?

There he is constant blog readers, Mr. John McNee! Do yourselves a favor and pick up something from this guy and check it out. There is a ton of short story work out there you can get and never go wrong with the names Mr. McNee rolls with. Also check the end of this blog for a reading from Grunge Punk with John McNee, it's like testing the book out for FREE!

John McNee on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/John-McNee/e/B007X6RJY4/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1394587301&sr=8-1

John McNee on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4150063.John_McNee

A Reading From Grunge Punk

Raising Hackles

You're reading Books, Beer and BLOGshit! It's the only blog that enjoys breaking down cheesey 80's metal videos! I am your Aqua Netted blogger, Mr. Frank!

We have a guest writer on The BLOGshit for this installment. The catch? They aren't going to discuss writing. They are going to discuss Ratt's definitive rock video, Round and Round. That can only mean one man, Douglas Hackle, author of CLOWN TEAR JUNKIES will be joining us to give the ultimate break down of Ratt's 1985 video of Round and Round, one of the crowning achievements of MTV's heyday.

     

As a special treat, Douglas Hackle also appears in the newly published installment of Tall Tales With Short Cocks, Vol. 4!  Listeners to the Books, Beer and Bullshit Podcast may recall our review of Tall Tales Vol. 3. This new collection is chock full of great names in Bizarro Fiction and could prove to be the best collection of 2013! We implore you to check this and Clown Tear Junkies out.



So watch the video along with Douglas Hackle and pause at the appropriate time stamps in the video breakdown below.

0:02 - What would you like more than anything to be in that silver bowl?

Mashed potatoes and gravy. Nah, scratch that—I changed my mind. A miniature
version of one-hit-wonder, Canadian rapper Snow performing his hit song “Informer”
(accompanied by a miniature, dancing, batwinged, fetal polar bear cub with a Chicken
McNugget for a head.)

0:17 - Would you rather sport Stephen Pearcy's hair style for one month or have your entire
wardrobe consist of Stephen Pearcy-cut shirts for an entire season?

Alas, although it pains me to admit it, I think I actually had that hair style at one point.
Folly of youth and all that. So I guess I’ll go with the Stephen Pearcy-cut shirts. I’d just
avoid going out in the sun while wearing them, lest I get a really stupid looking tan line,
what with those necklines going all the way down to the bellybutton.

0:43 - Does this video still hold weight if Uncle Miltie isn't in it?

Uncle Militie exits the house and, consequently, the video rather early on—right at
about the 1:07 mark—after he decides he can no longer endure the loud rock music
being played by Ratt up in the attic. But, however briefly we get to see the man, Milton
Berle remains a powerful cultural, psychological, political, and aesthetic force in
the video. Even after he leaves the premises accompanied by himself in drag (Uncle
Miltie was doing that sort of shit decades before Eddie Murphy ever thought to do
it), his presence is still felt through the duration of the video, all the way up until its
denouement. The director of the video achieves this enduring presence-through-absence
effect, this lingering atmosphere of power-through-gender-obfuscation, using a film
editing technique borrowed from early 20th-century German expressionist cinema. The
technique is known only by its untranslatable German name: rechtkaftfahrzeugerung-sesellschaftensschutzversichhaftpflichtversicherungrechtkaftfahrzeugerungsesellschaften 

schutzversichrechtkaftfahrzeugerungsesellschaftensschutzversichgeschwindigkeitsbegre
nzungrindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetzschaftennübertr
agungschwindigkeitsbegrenzün. Indeed, apropos of this technique, many believe “Round
and Round” represents the finest modern example of it usage, or as French philosopher

Michel Foucault once declared, “Un, deux, trois, Pepe Le Pew, Francois-Pierre-Jean-
Claude, Le Freak C’est Chic, bon appétit, crème de la crème, Van Damme, soup du jour,
faux pas, French fries yum yum, Savoir-Faire is Everywhere, Pierre!!!!!!!!!!!!”

1:08 - Do you think synchronized rock moves need to make a comeback?

Man, I don’t even know. What I do know, however, is the only thing that is quite
possibly more bad-ass than a good old-fashioned Duran Duran table flip is busting
through the goddamn ceiling, falling onto a table, and sticking your guitar is someone’s
face while shredding that shit like mozzarella cheese, yo. Take that, ya fancy-pants,
richy-rich assholes!!

1:26 - Is that Pee Wee Herman’s bicycle in the foreground?

No. However, that bike is on display at the official Ratt Museum, which is located in the

city of . . . of . . . my imagination. *hangs head in shame*

2:00 - As a juggalo yourself, do you think these guys have too much make-up on or not quite
enough?

Frank, do your homework before you do these interviews: I’m a bruggalo. Or a
juggaroni. Or…or…or something. Regardless, I believe that federal law should require
U.S. citizens, even babies (especially babies) to wear clown make-up 24/7/365. So to
answer your question, not nearly enough.

Breaking Bruggalo

2:23 - Has there ever been a more convincing look of utter satisfaction in this medium before or

since?

There has not. Nor, I daresay, is that look likely to be bested in the future. Nor would I
restrict the claim merely to the medium of music videos. That facial expression may very
well be the most convincing look of utter satisfaction ever to be filmed anywhere. That
butler my dog.

2:27 - Is it true you are working on a similar entrance for all your book signings?

As I indicated in my answer to the “synchronized rock moves” question above, nothing
quite says “Hello, here I am—betta recognize, bitch!” like busting down through a ceiling

while playing a blaring electric guitar. That as an entrance for a book signing? Aw, hellz
yeah.

3:02 - Have you ever considered writing a bizarro piece based solely around the setting of this video?

No. However, the song “Round and Round” seems to get referenced in at least every
other short story I write, regardless of what the story is about. The song is even
mentioned in my contribution to the latest volume in the Tall Tales with Short Cocks
anthology series from Rooster Republic Press (Volume 4—the ebook version was just
released on 12/16). Yes, these days it’s difficult for me to pen a short story and not
mention that song. (See below for more on this.)

3:13 - Is it the song or the video that does it for you?

Neither. I think the whole Hackle-“Round-and-Round” phenomenon is the result of
nothing more than an irrational compulsion. It’s what Edgar Allan Poe called “The Imp
of the Perverse”: i.e. the irrational desire to do something self-destructive specifically
because it is self-destructive. In other words, I know I should not reference the song
“Round and Round” in my short stories, I know that absolutely no good can come of out
of the practice, therefore I continue to reference “Round and Round” in my short stories.
Follow?

3:20 - Remake the band using only people from Rooster Republic Press (bonus points for
creating a stage name for each.)
Lead Vocals – Douglas “D is for motherfuckin’ Douglas” Hackle

Lead Guitar – Arthur “I’m too cool and pretty for Facebook” Graham

Drums – Etienne “How the hell do you pronounce my Frenchy, fancy-pants first name?”
DeForest

Bagpipes – John “Da Loch Ness Monsta” McNee

Bass Guitar – Danger “Um ... Danger Slater??” Slater

3:58 - Do you like Ratt at all outside of this song?

No. Aside from the song “Round and Round,” the only music I can stand to listen to
nowadays is this defunct Estonian-Indonesian trio that played a mixture of various jazz
styles, baroque classical, Hindustani classical, Celtic-funeral-doom-grindcore-death
metal, noise, psychedelic funk, punk-prog, bluegrass, unhip hop, post-1997 acid techno,
pre-2006 Euro trance, proto-2013 Eskimocore igloo anti-pop, and sampled authentic
whale song. This band didn’t even have a name. What’s more, all three band members
promptly committed suicide after recording there first and only album. I’m the only
person who has ever heard said album. Yeah, what can I say—I’m cooler than most folks.
I’m sorta hardcore.

Douglas Hackle

Douglas Hackle is the author of CLOWN TEAR JUNKIES published by Rooster Republic Press. Here is some wonderful praise for that book:

“Hackle may be the best absurdist story writer working today [...] I enjoyed this book more than

any other book that I've read in a long time." - Bradley Sands, Author of TV Snorted My Brain

"He sits up there with his pen and paper or word processor or baby seal skin and razor blade

(or whatever fucked-up instruments he uses to write stories like this) and he tells us the kind of

tales we didn’t even know we were thirsty for in the first place. The kind of tales that matter,

in their own weird way. The kind of tales that make reading a joy." - Danger Slater, Author of

DangerRAMA

"You walk away [from Clown Tear Junkies] with a clear feeling of how odd Doug Hackle is.

It's almost like finding an anonymous notebook in the halls of a high school that was dropped

by someone who wrote these twisted little things never intending anyone else to read them. But

share them he did!" - Ray Fracalossy, Author of Tales from the Vinegar Wasteland

Also, Karen Brissette, the #1 reviewer on Goodreads in terms of votes—and she's #1 by an

extremely large margin of votes at that—weighed in on Clown Tear Junkies. Here is what she

had to say:  http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/755536483

Balls To The Walls

You're reading Books, Beer and Blogshit!  It's the only blog on the intertubes that can guess your age by looking at your nipples!  We are your bloggers, Mister Frank and Mister Jeff doing a tandem Blogshit interview.

The Reverend Doctor Lance Carbuncle has already made an appearance on the podcast (Episode 15) to talk about his book, SLOUGHING OFF THE ROT. Unfortunately we did not have an opportunity to discuss one of the most important aspects of Lance Carbuncle, his Balls.

You see, Lance has balls. A lot of them. They are prominently on display on his website too. Lance is so proud of his balls he wants to show them to the world! If you saw them you would understand why, they are magnificent.

So read this Blogshit interview with Lance first. It is one for the ages. Then get your ass to LanceCarbuncle.com and gaze longingly at his balls. And now, on with the show...

Blogshit: Your world renowned balls are on display at LanceCarbuncle.com, what possessed you to share them with the world?

Carbuncle: I've long had trouble containing and/or controlling my balls. I lose them. Sometimes I find them in the back yard with dirt all over them. Sometimes they are under the couch, covered with hair and crumbs. The dog chews on them and the kids love throwing them against the side of the house. I just got to the point where I said to myself, “God damn it, I've got some great, beautiful balls. I need to share my balls with everybody.” So I washed them off and displayed them on my website, Lancecarbuncle.com. Go look at my balls.

Blogshit: Your have a lot of balls, how do you cram them all into one place?

Carbuncle: Usually I prefer not to cram them anywhere as doing so could damage them. Usually I hang my balls in something (preferably mesh or 100% cotton for breathability) that provides a sufficient amount of support for their great girth and heft. Sometimes I do cram them into my pants but I find that they stick to my legs a lot.

Blogshit: Does your wife have a problem with everyone looking at your balls?

Carbuncle:  She’s so tired of my old balls that she could almost gag. So she prefers that others, who might appreciate them more, view and enjoy my balls. And they can do so at Lancecarbuncle.com.

Blogshit:  You've written three novels so far. If you could choose one character from each of your novels to touch your balls, whom would you choose (and why)?

Carbuncle:  I think that I would like to rest my balls on a big blumpkin (from Sloughing Off the Rot, now available for sale at Amazon.com, or signed copies can be purchased at Lancecarbuncle.com).

Blogshit:   Would you rather be Lance Armstrong and uber famous for walking on the moon or Lance Carbuncle and keep your beloved balls?

Carbuncle:  Funny you ask. I actually tweeted something once on the matter that said: “My name's Lance, I have two balls, and have used no performance-enhancing drugs to perform my amazing feats.” People reading this should follow me on Twitter.com/LanceCarbuncle and once every 7 or 8 months I will tweet an amazing comment which references my balls (did I mention they are on display at Lancecarbuncle.com).

Blogshit:  In your book, SLOUGHING OFF THE ROT, there are ball-like creatures called Blumpkins. Would you consider rubber or plush blumpkins are the first balls you market for a profit?

Carbuncle:  I would consider it. But, I suspect there’s probably some inflatable, latex fuck-ball already for sale out there.

Blogshit:  Do you generally fondle or punch your balls in the privacy of your own home?

Carbuncle:  I do neither. I try to take good care of them by dipping them a bowl of warm water and drying them with a ShamWow. Sometimes I wipe them down with lemony Pledge to give them a nice shine. And a spritz or two of Febreze makes them oh-so-nice smelling. (I’m fishing for some big money sponsorship for my balls here).

Blogshit:  Do your balls enjoy the soulful sounds of Michael Jackson’s BEAT IT?

Carbuncle:  They do not like Beat It in the slightest. In fact, when any Michael Jackson song is played, my balls actually seem to tighten up and shrink.

Blogshit:  Are you partial to any one ball?

Carbuncle: Yes, the one in the middle.

Blogshit:  Has anyone been upset that some of your balls have pussy on them?

Carbuncle:  Just me. I used to be embarrassed about my pussy-balls. But they are actually really kind of cute and I've come to accept this and other strange things about my beautiful balls.

Blogshit:  We are thinking about starting our own sandwich shop. What should we put on "The Lance Carbuncle" sandwich?

Carbuncle:  Meatballs. I would to watch people eating my balls on a crusty sub bun.

That's it folks. Take a deep breath and collect yourselves because that was quite a ride. Have you gone to look at Lance's balls yet?  Here, follow this link to LANCE CARBUNCLE'S BALLS. Don't hesitate, don't delay. You know you want to!