Balls To The Walls

You're reading Books, Beer and Blogshit!  It's the only blog on the intertubes that can guess your age by looking at your nipples!  We are your bloggers, Mister Frank and Mister Jeff doing a tandem Blogshit interview.

The Reverend Doctor Lance Carbuncle has already made an appearance on the podcast (Episode 15) to talk about his book, SLOUGHING OFF THE ROT. Unfortunately we did not have an opportunity to discuss one of the most important aspects of Lance Carbuncle, his Balls.

You see, Lance has balls. A lot of them. They are prominently on display on his website too. Lance is so proud of his balls he wants to show them to the world! If you saw them you would understand why, they are magnificent.

So read this Blogshit interview with Lance first. It is one for the ages. Then get your ass to LanceCarbuncle.com and gaze longingly at his balls. And now, on with the show...

Blogshit: Your world renowned balls are on display at LanceCarbuncle.com, what possessed you to share them with the world?

Carbuncle: I've long had trouble containing and/or controlling my balls. I lose them. Sometimes I find them in the back yard with dirt all over them. Sometimes they are under the couch, covered with hair and crumbs. The dog chews on them and the kids love throwing them against the side of the house. I just got to the point where I said to myself, “God damn it, I've got some great, beautiful balls. I need to share my balls with everybody.” So I washed them off and displayed them on my website, Lancecarbuncle.com. Go look at my balls.

Blogshit: Your have a lot of balls, how do you cram them all into one place?

Carbuncle: Usually I prefer not to cram them anywhere as doing so could damage them. Usually I hang my balls in something (preferably mesh or 100% cotton for breathability) that provides a sufficient amount of support for their great girth and heft. Sometimes I do cram them into my pants but I find that they stick to my legs a lot.

Blogshit: Does your wife have a problem with everyone looking at your balls?

Carbuncle:  She’s so tired of my old balls that she could almost gag. So she prefers that others, who might appreciate them more, view and enjoy my balls. And they can do so at Lancecarbuncle.com.

Blogshit:  You've written three novels so far. If you could choose one character from each of your novels to touch your balls, whom would you choose (and why)?

Carbuncle:  I think that I would like to rest my balls on a big blumpkin (from Sloughing Off the Rot, now available for sale at Amazon.com, or signed copies can be purchased at Lancecarbuncle.com).

Blogshit:   Would you rather be Lance Armstrong and uber famous for walking on the moon or Lance Carbuncle and keep your beloved balls?

Carbuncle:  Funny you ask. I actually tweeted something once on the matter that said: “My name's Lance, I have two balls, and have used no performance-enhancing drugs to perform my amazing feats.” People reading this should follow me on Twitter.com/LanceCarbuncle and once every 7 or 8 months I will tweet an amazing comment which references my balls (did I mention they are on display at Lancecarbuncle.com).

Blogshit:  In your book, SLOUGHING OFF THE ROT, there are ball-like creatures called Blumpkins. Would you consider rubber or plush blumpkins are the first balls you market for a profit?

Carbuncle:  I would consider it. But, I suspect there’s probably some inflatable, latex fuck-ball already for sale out there.

Blogshit:  Do you generally fondle or punch your balls in the privacy of your own home?

Carbuncle:  I do neither. I try to take good care of them by dipping them a bowl of warm water and drying them with a ShamWow. Sometimes I wipe them down with lemony Pledge to give them a nice shine. And a spritz or two of Febreze makes them oh-so-nice smelling. (I’m fishing for some big money sponsorship for my balls here).

Blogshit:  Do your balls enjoy the soulful sounds of Michael Jackson’s BEAT IT?

Carbuncle:  They do not like Beat It in the slightest. In fact, when any Michael Jackson song is played, my balls actually seem to tighten up and shrink.

Blogshit:  Are you partial to any one ball?

Carbuncle: Yes, the one in the middle.

Blogshit:  Has anyone been upset that some of your balls have pussy on them?

Carbuncle:  Just me. I used to be embarrassed about my pussy-balls. But they are actually really kind of cute and I've come to accept this and other strange things about my beautiful balls.

Blogshit:  We are thinking about starting our own sandwich shop. What should we put on "The Lance Carbuncle" sandwich?

Carbuncle:  Meatballs. I would to watch people eating my balls on a crusty sub bun.

That's it folks. Take a deep breath and collect yourselves because that was quite a ride. Have you gone to look at Lance's balls yet?  Here, follow this link to LANCE CARBUNCLE'S BALLS. Don't hesitate, don't delay. You know you want to!